Grief for what could have been; A pregnant doula during Covid

At 32 weeks pregnant, I’ve been holding onto this for a long time it seems. As someone who is very open about my private life (especially during pregnancy), a lot of my friends have asked multiple times about blog posts. I just haven’t been able to find the words to go along with how I’m feeling, until now. So here it is, my pregnancy story thus far with little K4.

Those of you who know me already know, that I was so very young when I had my older children. Still a baby myself at 15, 17 and 20 respectively when they were born.  I had very little support or knowledge. With my boys I was in Germany and Alabama and had few friends and no family. I never heard congratulations on my pregnancies, I never felt celebrated or even loved. They’re very hard times to look back on, and I have almost no fond memories of my pregnancies.

2019 was a year of healing for me and my family. I was pregnant with a surrogate baby, I went to therapy, I realized who my true friends were, I set boundaries, and I learned a lot about myself. I also walked away from a long career in the culinary field to pursue my next grand adventure and long awaited dream of being a full time Doula. I put in the hard work, I learned the things, I took the trainings, I met the people, and I said ‘yes’ to myself more.

My husband also embarked on his own grand career adventure. Walking away from the career he had always known, and embracing something that he had dreamed of since he was a young, live events.

We found a home to raise our kids in, and finally move out of our tiny apartment. We found so much joy celebrating 12 years of marriage, and 14 years together. We looked back during our anniversary dinner at how far we’d come from a couple on kids in the housing projects of New York, with not a dime to our names. Back at the days of being babies trying to raise babies and rejoicing in how amazing our kids are turning out to be. We looked back at just a few years ago when we were damn near homeless after my husbands spinal surgery. It felt like we had maybe, just maybe, figured it all out. And we started dreaming about one more baby to make our lives complete.

We moved into what we hoped would be our forever home February 1st 2020. We talked more and more about that baby. We all were just starting to get the swing of our new routines. In the beginning of March I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and told it would make it harder to get pregnant until after I was in remission. This, with the knowledge that 4 rounds of IVF (which I did as a surrogate) made me and my husband wonder if a baby was possible. On March 13th, Texas went into lockdown over Covid-19. On March 19th, I got a positive test that I was shocked over. Right away, I felt a deep since of sadness instead of joy, and knew that I was not going to get what we had been dreaming of, but instead would experience something similar to my previous pregnancies.

Over the next couple months my husband would lose his job, taking our insurance with it. My kids would experience isolation, helplessness and hopelessness. I would seclude myself more than just the lockdown. I stopped calling my friends, I stopped answering texts.

When the protests started I felt spite for my unborn child. I should be out there, getting arrested and fighting for human rights. Instead I was crying, bedridden for days at a time and sinking into a horrible depression. Instead I was pretending that I was fine, and happy about my baby, but waking up every single morning asking myself “Is today the day I finally call someone about getting an abortion?” And it sunk me deeper. The baby I didn’t even know if I could get pregnant with, that I wanted so badly, and all I could think about was getting an abortion. It tore me apart. My husband didn’t know for a long time, I refused to talk about it. I didn’t tell my friends. I didn’t tell my mother. I suffered with my feelings, alone and in silence.

I still dreamed of my baby, of baby showers, of belly rubs from friends, or excited talks at coffee shops about my birth plans. I dreamed of appointments with my midwife where my older kids would help find the baby’s heartbeat, of strolling through stores, picking out the perfect first outfit for K4. Then I would wake-up, with low funds in the bank, a new death toll and an ever looming cloud over my head and heart.

When I hit 19 weeks, I knew my decision was final, I would be keeping my baby, but asked myself what cost had I decided on? Bringing a baby into this world, taking away from my older 3 that I’ve fought so fucking hard for. I still couldn’t bare it. So I did the next best thing I could think of, and I dove into my work. At one point being on call for three weeks straight. One 12 hour birth, one 8 hour birth, one 26 hour birth. Placenta after placenta, meetings every single day. Filling in the gaps with what I called “administrative work” that was just busy work I didn’t need to be doing. Pushing maternity leave back farther and farther and at one point wondering if I really needed to take it at all.

And then came the day that I snapped at my husband. This isn’t a normal thing in my home. After almost 15 years together, we’re very good at communicating and there is very little fighting, let alone being mean or angry with one another without immediately talking about the real problem and moving forward together. But this time I said “everything is your fault! You don’t do enough! I can’t do this anymore!” He took my hands, that beautiful loving man, and said “What is really going on here?”

And I finally let out everything and then some. See the thing is, is that once you let go, you let out more than you knew was there. I don’t hate my baby. I don’t hate my husband. I’m grieving so very deeply. I’m grieving for all the hopes and dreams that we had. I’m grieving what we worked so hard for. I’m grieving everything, and the world just isn’t fair. I mean, I know it’s not, and I’ve always known that but for some reason I wasn’t letting myself sit with it and try to move on from it. So many of us need some kind of control and I am no exception. I needed some small form of control and I had no idea how to get it.

I’m 32 weeks pregnant now, and I’ll be honest, I still don’t know how to find control, or to let go of it. There are still so many unknowns and sometimes it feels like it gets worse everyday instead of better. I’ve let myself love my baby, and I’m excited to meet him. Even after all the things I’ve already done and been through, I question if my love is enough for him. I question if I’m a good mom or have any idea what I’m doing. It’s insane really. My entire job is to help and educate birthing people and new parents, I know all the things, my clients love and trust me and that’s because I’m good at my job. But I’m human. And even I, the expert, wonder if I am enough for my baby.

I’ve started trying to talk to my friends more. It’s hard because I know I have a lot of heavy things on my heart and don’t want to burden them with it, but I also know that they love me and want me to talk to them.

My mini baby shower was this past Saturday. I threw it for myself, it was basically me and a table in my garage with cupcakes melting in the sun. Shortly before my first guest showed up I had a complete meltdown in my bathroom. It’s not supposed to be like this. We’re supposed to hug, and eat, and play games, and laugh and celebrate. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way, out of the 26 people I invited, 8 people came. It’s not about the gifts. Gifts are great and fun and we do need the essentials, but I miss my friends. I miss being extroverted and working a room and dancing and laughing with other people. I had my meltdown in the bathroom, and then I went out and loved on those who came as much as I could. I tried not to cry as they showed up. Then I tried again not to cry as I closed the garage door when it was over.

What happens now? After all of that? I still don’t know. I’m slowly trying to plan maternity leave, even though I’m terrified of not having my income to take care of my family in such uncertain times, even though I’m terrified of what it will mean for this brand new career I’m busting my ass to succeed in. I’m slowly trying to plan my birth, even though I’ve had minimal prenatal care and I know I’m not in the right mind frame yet to welcome my baby at home. I’m slowly making my postpartum plans and telling myself to do all the things I preach up and down to my clients. I’m slowly connecting to my baby, singing to him and longing for him even through all the pain.

And I’m slowly, sharing my story with all of you. Because those of you who are also pregnant right now, I see you. There is no handbook for this. No one we know has been pregnant during a pandemic. There is no right way to feel right now. The only thing I do know, is that none of us will get through this alone, we need each other.

What is a Full-Spectrum Doula?

What is a Full-Spectrum Doula?

Let’s talk about Doulas. What exactly is a Doula, and then take it a step further and talk about what a Full-Spectrum doula is.

Here is what google says the definition of Doula is:

noun: doula; plural noun: doulas

  1. a woman, typically without formal obstetric training, who is employed to provide guidance and support to a pregnant woman during labor.
    1. a woman employed to provide guidance and support to the mother of a newborn baby.

I actually am not a fan of either of those definitions. So let’s dig a little deeper. A Doula is (normally) a person who is both formally and informally trained in childbirth and/or the immediate postpartum period. Most Doula trainings focus on Birth, Postpartum or breastfeeding. The informal training I speak of is normally just life experience.

Birth Doulas focus on preparing you for your delivery, forming a relationship and trust, along with answer your questions on the birth process without bias. They support birthing people in all settings; planned cesarean section, planned induction, natural hospital birth, birthing center birth and home birth. They spend great amounts of time and energy making resource lists for all of your needs. Invest emotional labor to helping you feel your best about your big day. And get quite the workout during your labor, using comfort measures and helping you have your best birth. Normally after the birth of your baby, they attend one postpartum visit to work through any feelings you may have about your birth and answer any feeding questions you may have.

A postpartum doula usually takes it from there. After a prenatal appointment (or two, depending on the doula) they’ll have a good idea of what you feel like you need from them. Learning how to take care of your new baby, feeding troubleshooting, light house work, light cooking, and sometimes overnight care so you can get some much needed rest. Each postpartum doula varies just a little. As I have a background as a Chef, most of my postpartum time is used cooking and freezing meals for new parents.

But what about all the other stuff? The other things that birthing people go through? Maybe the things that other people don’t want to talk about.


This is a Full-spectrum doula. Understanding that your journey to parenthood isn’t always cookie cutter. That we live in a complicated world, and meeting you, where ever you are on your journey.

Abortions can be scary, and you may have a lot of questions or complicated feelings about it. This is where a Full-Spectrum Doula can step in and help. Trained on all four procedures, how the clinic experience is, and ready to help you work through any emotions you may have.

Bereavement is something that no parent hopes they’ll have to deal with, but it is a reality of life, and would be a huge disservice to forget about those who don’t get to bring their baby home. Doulas trained in Bereavement can help you through labor (at any point in your pregnancy, between 4 weeks and 42 weeks). They are trained on helping you to preserve moments of joy during loss, and incorporate special wishes for your baby. Providing physical, emotional and informational support in any way possible.

Fertility is another subject that goes largely untalked about. Whether it’s optimizing fertility or a struggle with infertility, a trained Fertility Doula can help. Between navigating this world, giving information on studies, practices and physiological norms and giving recommendations on fertility specialist in the area to continue our care, your Fertility Doula will have your back.

A Full-Spectrum Doula is there for you through all of your needs. To hold your hand and witness both your joys and your sorrows. Because birthing people have sat in silence alone for too long.

If you have any questions about what I do as a Full-Spectrum Doula, please feel free to reach out to me at any time!

Inclusive Birth worker Highlight: Your Best Birth Class

I initially went into writing this thinking I would be highlighting just this (amazing) childbirth education class. But what I ended up with is so much more than that.

Barbara Davis is the founder of “Birth Fort Worth”. A small collective of Doulas who support people all over the DFW metroplex. Voted best birth doula in 2017, 2018 and 2019 as well as the best childbirth class in Fort Worth in 2019 by Fort Worth Child Magazine. Her entire group is also part of The Inclusive Birth Workers of DFW. They offer labor support, placenta encapsulation and breastfeeding support on top of their childbirth education class.

Walking into the Fort Worth Birthing and Wellness Center always feels like home to me. Today was a little different, as the center looks like a whole new space! Beautiful new floors, fresh coats of paint and a modern furniture update. The space is stunning. Barb has all of her teaching tools laid out for the class to see. Bright colorful crocheted boobs (of every size), a baby doll, cloth placenta, pelvic model, & real tools used in the delivery room.

As we get started Barbs smile is absolutely infectious and it’s easy to see why she’s been voted the best doula three years in a row. Barb jumps right into talking about how birth is normal and profound. Everything seems to be going smooth.

We’re getting ready to watch a video and for some reason, the internet connection won’t work. There is  banging upstairs in one of the birthing suits as it’s under construction and it may or may not be interfering with the WIFI. Not a problem, Barb jumps on a hotspot to connect and keep the class rolling.

After talking about the anatomy of birth and some pre-labor tools we take a bathroom break. Barb confides that she has a horrible migraine and I’m in awe of her. She never skipped a beat or gave any indication of this to her class, and the show went on.

The class used all inclusive language and talked on evidence based care, free from fear. Heidi (one of the doulas on her team) was upstairs with a client. She came down to speak to Barb, as their client needed to be transferred to the local hospital, and an ambulance had been called. What a morning.

At around noon (this is only two hours into the six hour class) we break for lunch and Barb tries to lay down for a minute to help with her migraine, but ultimately the third of their trio (Rachael) is called and asked to come finish the class. It seemed as though anything that could go wrong, did.

When Rachael arrived, it was a smooth and easy transition. These ladies have taught this class enough to be able to pick right up where the other left off. And just like that it was business as usual. Pain management, interventions, packing your bag, birth plans, labor stages and comfort measures are all covered.

We retreat to one of the birthing suits upstairs and practice some comfort measures with partners. Everyone is laughing and having a good time. Racheal is flawless in asking for consent before touching anyone, and being hands on in teaching.

At the end of the class, she asks if anyone has questions, and it comes as no surprise to me that not one hand raises. The class has covered everything, and all three couples are going into their birth feeling empowered and confident.

Maybe it was the full moon the night before. Maybe it was residual “bad luck” from the day before (Friday the 13th). Whatever it was, these women took it in strides, professionalism and outstanding teamwork. I can only imagine what a “normal” day looks like for their team. Maybe this is exactly what it always looks like, a smooth rotation of knowledgeable women. No matter the case, I couldn’t think of a single thing they missed in their class.

It really was, for “Your Best Birth”.

You can find out more about Barb and her team HERE.
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After: The Sun Sets

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.”
-Lao Tzu

Normally my “after” blogs chronicle more of my life after baby goes home. But to be honest there’s nothing new to say. They went home, I had an adjustment period without a belly and dealing with my milk coming in. Hormones suck.

I want to talk about a postpartum reality I hear talked about very little. Bare with me.

During pregnancy I LOVE my body (of course this may be different for others). I feel powerful and beautiful. I snapped this photo days before Sky was born so I could always remember my body as a home for another life, especially since I don’t know if I’ll ever have another baby.

Stretch marks, bags under my eyes, swollen feet. Reality.

After baby was born my photographer (BLESS HER) made sure to grab some reality photos. I am actually really very grateful for these pictures because I never see anything like them online. Watching blood loss, fundal massage, the painful realities of the first hours after birth.

Shout out to Melissa who actually has very strong, yet soft hands that touch with grace and understanding! Nurses are amazing. Also my husband who through five births, has never once left my side after delivery, even back when they were his children, he understands the hardships of postpartum and is the picture of support.

Two days postpartum I photographed my body again:

My sons would poke my belly and ask about how soft it was, ask about my uterus size and caringly ask if I was in pain. I was. My hips trying to shift back into place, along with my organs. Milk coming in with no baby to feed but pumping regularly to help my uterus heal. Good news is I was sleeping 7-10 hours a night with no baby to wake up with.

At two weeks postpartum I photographed again:

Back to my pre-pregnancy weight and clothes. Really feeling myself…

Can you spot the lie? I’ll let you in on a secret. Pregnancy is when I am at my healthiest. I eat well (if I’m not sick), I drink the recommended amount of water. I take care of my body as I’m sharing it with someone who needs me.

Post-partum anorexia is a real thing. When people say to me “Holy crap! Look how tiny you are! So lucky! You look great!” I smile and say “genetics” as I shrug my shoulders. I’m not totally lying, my mother passed her anorexia and hate for her body on to me at a very young age. This is my reality. I am obsessed with a number on the scale. Other peoples comments on my body feed me instead of food. I thrive on the compliments of a thin body. This is my generational trauma.

The daily struggle to NEVER talk about my body in front of my children makes it worse. I internalize my feelings so much so that unless close friends or my husband ask me the last time I’ve eaten, it’s not even a thought in my mind. But I recognize it, I acknowledge it, and I strive to do better everyday. Every time I see the scale in the corner of the bathroom, I fight the urge to step on it. I want to be as healthy as I am when I’m pregnant. I want to love my body everyday, in every form. And more than anything, I want to break the cycle and not pass my illness to my daughter.

This of course, is not everyones reality of postpartum. But it is my truth, and if there is one thing that this journey has taught me, it’s that there is power in speaking your truth.

My relationship with food, and my own body are so complicated. As a Chef (when I’m not doing my Doula thing), I LOVE food. I love to cook and cut and play and taste. I love to try new ways of cooking, new ways of plating. I love trying different combinations of flavors especially if it doesn’t sound like something I would normally eat. When I invite you to my table, we’re family. If I cook for you, I love you. Food is my love language.

And yet I can go days without having any food. I cook for my family, and my friends, hell I get paid to cook. Yet it seems I almost feel that I don’t deserve that love and careful preparation of nourishment for myself. I have no idea where or when this idea was placed in my brain. I’m not sure who put that thought there or why I continue to let it linger. My own instagram is filled with beautiful (if I do say so myself) food that I lovingly cooked and plated, all well thought out before stepping into the kitchen.

Changing the narrative in my own brain around food is going to be a very long journey. But 2019 has been a year of healing, release, understanding and growth. I’m ready to take on this very personal challenge and can almost breath a sign of relief for finally saying it out loud (figuratively).

Speak your truth. Share your pain. You’re not alone, I know I’m not.

You can read my other stories here:

During: The Sun Shines

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
– Lao Tzu

After what felt like an eternal wait, mom and June bug were finally in Fort Worth. Two days after their arrival my twelve year old daughter left for New York for summer vacation. I had given her the option of staying for the birth of the baby, or spending longer in NY with her grandmother and was sad that she wouldn’t be able to experience this with me. Looking back now I’m glad she went, this wasn’t the labor for her to see.

I enjoyed the week swimming and hanging out. Mom had to do all the driving, by this point in my pregnancy I could no longer safely reach the steering wheel and not squish my giant belly. Baby bird was measuring a week ahead and my body was swollen from the Texas heat. This time felt different than when we were waiting for June bug. I kept saying Sunday (14th of July) or Monday (15th of July) baby was going to come. I didn’t REALLY know of course, but I knew that dad wanted to be there when his son was born, and I wanted Baby Birds parents to be happy.

Dad flew in Saturday morning and Curtis and I spent all day cooking. We had planned a big BBQ to celebrate us all being together. It was exhausting, but food is one of my love languages and when I cook for you, your family. We made chicken, burgers, sausages, hot dogs, southern corn bread, potatoes, veggie kabobs, pulled pork, slaw and a couple salads. Curtis and I don’t play when it comes to food. We talked and joked and overall just had a good time.

We said our goodbyes for the night so little June could get to bed, and I got to work. NOW the baby could be born and I wouldn’t have a care in the world. I took a bath, had a glass of wine, took a tincture my midwife had given me to help ripen the cervix, pumped and then enjoyed some oxytocin with Curtis. I had some mild contractions and then nothing, so I decided to go to bed. Soon after lying down Curtis started to feel sick. Being out in the sun grilling all day had given him a migraine. I catered to him and crossed my fingers that I didn’t go into labor. I stayed up for awhile after her fell asleep, watching him and making sure he was okay, but eventually fell asleep myself.

I woke up at about 4:45 to use the restroom (not abnormal for me) and then went back to lay down. I tried to turn over in bed but felt what I thought was a strange kick from the baby and the urge to pee again. I got back up and felt wetness and rushed into the bathroom thinking I had peed myself. I sat on the toilet for a few minutes and thought maybe I had to make a bowel movement (I’m raw with my story telling ya’ll so buckle up). I felt my stomach and realized I was actually having a contraction. I continued to leak and thought “that is a lot of pee”. After a minute when I was really awake my adrenaline started to pump. “ohhh maybe this is my water!” I was in the dark and didn’t want to wake Curtis if it wasn’t. I threw a pad on a hobbled into the main bathroom so I could turn on some lights without waking him up. When I sat on the toilet in there i had a bit of a gush, and then steady flow of water. Definitely my water breaking. I took some deep breaths and talked to the baby for a minute. “Today is your perfect birthday, we’re going to go on this one last journey together, and then you get to go home with your family.”

I was ready.

I went back to my bathroom and put on a depends (the greatest thing by the way) and texted my Doula at 5:15am. I was having very mild contractions but had heard 5th babies are normally a whirwind so I went ahead and woke up Curtis and told him to make himself some coffee. I jumped in the shower and gave Curtis my very long list of people to text and instructed him on what to tell each of them. Brooke had told me that she normally wakes up at about 6am, so I had him wait until then to wake her. She was about to have a newborn and needed that little extra sleep.

I got out of the shower and did my hair, still leaking fluids and still having very mild contractions. At 6am exactly I called Brooke and told her she was going to meet her son today. She was ready to run out the door! I told her I was going to labor at home alone with Curtis for a little while and that I would call her when we were ready to head to the birth center.

I got dressed and brought my birthing ball onto the porch. I sat with Curtis and listened to some music while we watched the sun rise. I meditated and rubbed my belly. “Thank you for teaching me so many things little bird. We’ve been on such a long journey to get to today.”

I asked Curtis if I should try to speed things along, or go lay down and try to get some rest, as the day was surely going to be a long one. He (knowing all of the doula things I’ve taught him) suggested I go lay down and try to get some rest. At this point I was easily breathing my way through the contractions and could speak if need be. So I went and layed down with my music. At 7am by birth photographer texted me and asked how I was doing. I thought I was fine, but Curtis had noticed that I was starting to make noises during my contractions, and had started complaining of being really cold (signs that I had gone from early labor to active labor) and he requested that we started to head to the birth center. I objected but when I stood up I had a really good strong contraction and agreed. I let everyone know we were heading that way while Curtis woke up the kids and sent them to his mothers house.

We arrived at the birth center at about 7:30am. One of my two midwives and a birth assistant was already there, just finishing cleaning up from another birth that night. Brooke, Joe, and (Aunt) Alex got there at the same time we did. My other midwife, student midwife, doula and birth photographer arrived shortly thereafter. We got into the birthing suite and we made ourselves at home. I asked my midwife to check me (the very first cervical exam I had the entire pregnancy). I thought I didn’t want to know where we were, not feeling like I was in active labor and not wanting to be disappointed, but I didn’t speak up and my midwife announced I was at 6cm already. Not being able to contain my excitement I exclaimed “ARE YOU SHITTING ME?”. That was basically setting the stage for the rest of labor. Alex called her (and Brookes) mother and told her she should come with June, as things seemed to be moving quickly already.

I had a playlist I had been compiling for months, simply called “For Curtis” that contained songs that gave me strong feelings of love (releasing oxytocin) that I had Curtis hook up to the Bluetooth and play. Throughout labor my team commented on my impeccable taste and it even drew a few tears. I labored over the next two hours between a birthing ball (kissing and snuggling Curtis), standing (swaying with Curtis), and walking/lunging on the stairs.

Over the past couple months I had spoken to Curtis about his role while I was in labor. In all my other labors he had been there, silently supporting, but our relationship has grown, and my need for him to be more active made him slightly uncomfortable. But he came to recognize my needs, and he didn’t just step up to the challenge, he embraced it and thrived as my main support person. It’s something I will cherish forever.

June played while I labored, and at one point stopped to check little brothers heartbeat. It was surreal to have her there, where I delivered her just a short three years ago.

Completely surrounded by the flags depicting the women I adore in my family, my family of professionals, and my surrogate family I enjoyed my labor and said multiple times “This is so easy”. There was some question in the back of mind though, because I was experiencing some strange contractions. I would have a real contraction and work through it easily, but then it would be followed by a half contraction 30 seconds later. I pretended like I didn’t notice, but mentioned it to my midwife while also saying I was feeling pushy. We got on the bed while the tub was being filled and Lissa did a side laying maneuver where she pushed on my hip during contractions, worried the baby may not be in optimal position. It hurt like hell, but I was willing to do anything to make sure we continued smoothly. Brooke showed June the tub she was born in.

When we were all ready, Lissa said a prayer, and the entire crew (all 13 of us) headed into the birth tub room. When I walked in the first flag on the wall I saw was my late Grandmother. I started to well up and when I turned around Brooke was right there. She too started to well up and the weight of what was about to happen really hit. We cried a little and held each other for a moment, just taking it all in.

The room felt so light, and we were all on the same page, baby would be here any minute. I couldn’t believe how easy this had been. I listened to my playlist, meditated and during each contraction tried to just breath the baby down (like all the women in those serene videos) and be a birthing goddess.

After almost an hour, I knew something wasn’t right. Lissa knew it too. I asked Dana to check me after I felt for babies head and felt nothing. I wasn’t in a great position so I tried other things and nothing was helping. Lissa asked me if I would get out of the tub, and surprisingly I was okay with it. I jumped out, ready to birth this baby, and now worried that something was wrong. Before I got out, there was a moment of mass confusion.. the baby started kicking and moving like crazy, everyone could see it, my belly contorted and moved and I wondered how he could have so much energy for being in the middle of labor. And honestly it scared the hell out of me.

I tried a couple of contractions squatting next to the bed, then a couple on my side on the bed. Babies heart stayed perfect. Once on my back Lissa checked me, and I heard those famous words I hear every. damn. labor. “She’s got a big fat cervical lip”. Fuck.

“You better go get me the nitrous because I am NOT doing this without some sort of drug.” I had decided before hand that I wasn’t going to torture myself again with this damn cervical lip, and I would accept some help. So the nitrous was brought out.

Heres where the story splits between what I remember, and what I know now to be truth:

My memory: In my head, I pushed past a cervical lip for two hours. I pushed with all my might. I didn’t understand why it was taking so long or why no one got me off my back. I sucked in the nitrous like it was a lifeline and I held onto Curtis. I pulled on a rope and tried to yell but was told no yelling, just push. There were too many voices and I couldn’t concentrate on anything until someone said I may need to be transferred to the hospital.

The Truth: In two pushes the cervical lip was gone, but the baby was rotated the wrong way and stuck. Every time I pushed, he turned again. After awhile I was barely pushing due to exhaustion and the nitrous making me woozy. My midwifes were doing everything they could to help me. When transfer was brought up due to maternal exhaustion and the possibility of needing to use forceps or a vacuum to get baby out, it woke me up.

Back to reality, I hear transfer and I think “NO, that is not how this baby is coming into the world, and I am not going to a damn hospital.” So I pushed. I pushed with a fire in me I’ve never had before in my life, and then I felt that ring of fire. Suddenly I was being told “YES THERE HE IS! Now slow and steady.” But that’s not my style, so I kept pushing. I looked down and there was Lissa, grabbing Brookes hands and putting them on babies head “you’re going to deliver your own baby” Lissa says to Brooke, and honestly I think Brooke was just in shock. So I pushed again and Brooke delivered her own baby and layed him on my chest. The room erupted in cheers and crying.

Brooke and I held hands as she took a good look at her son for the first time. Sky Waylon was born at 11:44am, after just under seven hours of labor.

Joe was there to cut the cord, I made a funny face as he did because Brooke found it to be so gross when she cut Junes and I thought he might feel the same. Then mom and dad both enjoyed some skin to skin with baby.

As soon as baby was settled we jumped into active management for me. I’ve been known to bleed postpartum and we decided to not even give it a chance. I got a shot in the leg, some pills and immediate fundal massage. As I was trying to deliver my placenta I heard “Well, that is really weird.” All I could think was ‘surely there will be no more surprises’. Spoiler alert, there was.

My placenta had a large baby head sized pocket, just full of fluid. No sign of a twin, no sign of ANYTHING. Just an extra pocket, apparently Sky needed a pillow? But then, Dana saw a piece of retained placenta. If you’re not aware of what that means, retained placenta can cause infection and ultimately lead to death, not really on our to do list. They handed me back the nitrous and cranked it up. It was the worst pain I’ve felt in my life as she tried to clean me (inside) and find this piece immediately after birthing a child. I went inside myself and used every single thing I’ve ever learned from meditation. It worked, until I started to feel dizzy and everyones voices (my doula comforting me, Dana telling me she was sorry, and Alex & Brooke cooing over the baby) started to seem farther away. Suddenly I thought I was dying, I don’t know why, but I did. I took my mask of and called for Curtis and the pain intensified hundred fold. I started to try to close my legs and reached my hand out for Curtis. If I was going to die, I would die holding his hand.

But spoiler alert again, I didn’t die. After about twenty minutes (I think) Dana finished and I was clear of any placenta. I curled up in the bed and got a heating pad. My sugar was low, I hadn’t eaten much, I had lost some blood, and I was freezing. I tried desperately to take in the joy around me.

Things get a little blurry here again. I’m not sure if it’s regular postpartum hormones that cloud my memory, or if it’s because of the nitrous, but either way, I hate that I’m not clear minded about everything. I know that Curtis went back to the house to get my breast milk and my sons. I know that one of my boys didn’t want to come, so of my three children, only one was there. I know that they fed Sky the milk, but then there was concern that he had aspirated some of it and was having trouble breathing. I know that the poor babe had some bruising on the back of his head from his wild entry into the world. And I know someone ordered tacos.

We did the newborn exam in the same exact spot that June had been, and I was reminded again how the days may be long, but the years are short. This time Joe got to weigh the baby. I had guessed 9lbs 2oz based on my stomach size and measurements, but after seeing how much water I had and with Skys little surprise water pillow I was second guessing myself. 8lbs 9oz. Still the second largest baby I’ve delivered.

I was asked about an herbal bath and hesitated. At Junes birth I blacked out after the bath and did not want a repeat, but I felt pretty gross after birthing on the bed and wanted a little wash and to change so I got in. It felt great as always and Junie came in to ask about my “tea bath” and we laughed over how silly it was that I was taking a bath in tea. Collin (my oldest son) came in and sat with me and asked a million questions about the entire experience and was so worried about me bleeding. He’s the sweetest boy.

After the herbal, Lorin (our student midwife) had to leave and get back to her kids. I was so out of it that we said our good-byes and I totally forgot to tell her to wait! I brought champagne (and sparkling juice for those on call and the kiddos)!

We toasted to Sky and to the team effort and ate tacos before getting a group photo.

Slowly everyone started to leave, one by one giving us their love before going home to get some rest. I could not have asked for a better team.
Lissa (Midwife)
Dana (Midwife)
Lorin (Student Midwife)
Melissa (Birth Assistant)
Rachael (Doula)
Eva (Birth Photographer)
And those who weren’t physically present for the birth but that I wouldn’t have gotten through this pregnancy without.
Aliena (Chiropractor)
Erin (Therapist)
Annie (Massage Therapist)
And countless other “non-professionals”

Just like that, a family of three became a family of four. Happy birthday Sky.

You can read my other stories here: